MKE – Week 14 – I burned the bacon….to a crisp!

I am not where I should be or could be.

I am not exactly where I want to be.

But I am in a much different place since beginning this course than I was when I started, therefore, I am where I need to be.

This course has been a journey so far – and we’re just half-way through!  I didn’t know what I would find, if anything.  I think a part of me thought it was just a basic ‘self-help/self-awareness’ course, and I’ve read plenty of those books.  How difficult could it be?  And how were they going to drag this out for six whole months? haha  Now I’m thinking, hey, can we go back to week 1 and let me start over?

Every day I am learning…recognizing….the effects of deeply ingrained causes in my subconscious.  And as I watched the movie, Wild, and heard comments from others about resonating with Cheryl Strayed’s story, I couldn’t find a personal connection with Cheryl.  But her mother, Bobbi, made a statement that really touched a nerve with me when she said, “I was never in the driver’s seat of my own life.”

Boom!

I never made a decision for myself.  It’s how I was raised.  My mom told me what I would and wouldn’t do, could and couldn’t do.  Who I wasn’t going to be, who I was going to be.  And when I strayed from her demands/commands, it wasn’t pretty.

So I left home fairly young, but I didn’t know how to make a decision, so I tended to “go with the flow.”  Wherever life took me, I compliantly followed along.  And those who came in my life benefited from the desire to make people happy (avoid the wrath), so I was a great employee and too often, a doormat in a relationship, whether it was a romantic one or a friendship.

So, I could never see myself making some of the decisions that Cheryl Strayed made, because I was programmed to do all of the “right” things….. the safe,  the conservative, the unassuming, meek, timid, don’t-draw-attention-to-yourself choices.  But I could see myself as Bobbi… looking for something better late in life, finally willing to take a chance on life and do something for herself.  Which I have.  I had to grow a lot just to be willing to take this course.  And now I’m seeing just how much there is to learn and grow.  And recognizing and acknowledging these thoughts is the first step in being able to change them.

And here’s a perfect example…

The bacon.

Saturday morning I had an appointment.  The week before had been my husbands last week at work after a 40 year career.  Friday night, he cut his finger pretty badly (but was too tough to go to the ER), so I helped him clean it up and and bandage it.  (Not relevant to the story, but I didn’t want you to think I left him to bleed to death on his own!) haha

So, Saturday morning…. we got up and I started breakfast.  Typically I stick to a quick veggie omelet, but he just retired from a 40 year career!  That was a huge accomplishment!  And he hurt his finger, and I’m a nurturer by nature.  And he loves bacon!  So, the story unfolds…..

The problem?  I didn’t have time to fix the bacon because I had an appointment.  Did he ask for bacon?  NO!  But my subby said, “it’s the right thing to do!  Make him something special for breakfast!”  So, I put the bacon in the pan and scurried around the kitchen trying to get everything else taken care of, all the while telling myself that I didn’t have time to cook the bacon. The next thing I knew, the bacon was burnt.  Not just extra crispy bacon, but black, burnt to a crisp, inedible bacon!  So, not only did we not have bacon with our omelets, but I was also late for my appointment.

Who’s fault was that?

Mine.

My intentions were good, but I let my subby overrule my decisions.  There was plenty of time and plenty of opportunities to do something special for him.  And did I mention…. he didn’t ask for it.

So, now that I have recognized that, I can address it.  It’s not that it’s a negative thought and, from all accounts, it seemed like a really nice thing to do.  But I was letting subby put others before me – I wasn’t in the driver’s seat of my own life!

It’s time to take back the wheel! And I am forever grateful for obtaining to tools to do just that through MKE!

Thanks for stopping by!